Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
