when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
