Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
