I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
