I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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