I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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