just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
