they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
