Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
