It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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