I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
