quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
