why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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