The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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