apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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