I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
