So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
