the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
