there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
