chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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