After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
