she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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