This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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