Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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