im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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