my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
