you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
