a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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