He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
