I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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