dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
