I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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