Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
