he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
