worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
