I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
being pregnant is like rehab
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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