Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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