what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
