There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
