dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
