Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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