I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
