We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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