Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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