im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize