I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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