can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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