so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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