I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
