I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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