Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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