yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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