how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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