It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
