you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the day after is always just damage control
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
