I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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