Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
