In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The struggles of a small town man whore
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
