Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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