Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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