I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
