Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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