The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
