Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
