Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
