You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
