PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
